grief

"I carry you with me into the world, 

into the smell of rain & the words that dance between people & for me, it will always be this way, walking in the light, remembering being alive together"

life is huge and full of so many amazing, wonderful, terrible, unexplainable things.  this blog started off as brain candy, something for when I didn't want to really think.  but life, for better or worse, isn't made up of easy.  life is hard.  and sometimes life seems so full of awful there's no room for happy.  

this week we had a very hard thing-   one very hard, very terrible, unexplainable thing.  a momma and daddy lost a baby- a miracle baby they weren't ever sure they'd have to begin with, a baby that seemed so full of life and smiles and laughing and moving that he filled their every day with wonder.  and then, last week... it was diagnosed as a 'near SIDS', and today, sweet Carter B. went to heaven.  

Are you familiar with Brian Andreas and his story people?   The print above is called 'living memory'... and it's as close as I can come right now to a wish for this family.  a realization that sweet Carter is with them, for always.  

does it help? no.  words are pithy, ridiculous offerings, nothingness- 'my words are paper tigers, no match for the predators of pain inside her'  as the indigo girls have said.  

so tonight, for Jeff and Darcy, for all of those who have held a baby in your arms, then left them there in the hospital while you've gone home to weep, I pray for you.  I pray you find, in the days ahead, sweet memories that comfort you, and remind you that your baby will be with you, carried in your heart for always.