Monday, April 30, 2012

a letter to self

self- writing this to you.  writing this to help you get over this bump, out of this hole that you fell in,  away from this cycle that almost caught you up again.  writing this to remind you that you are strong, that you are full, that you are more than fear and tears.  reminding you that it is good to be real- that ‘fake it til you make it’ is all good and well and sometimes very, very necessary, but at times it’s better to be rough around the edges and less than pulled together- at times it’s ok to let others know that you are struggling and to accept the love, the shoulders and hugs and hand holding that you need to move forward.  
self- somethings you can’t change.  you know it.  you’ve known if for years- even before the fragile x, the diagnosis, possibly even before babies, before marriage, before maturity.  somethings simply are.  they are hard.  they are bumpy and lumpy and jagged.  they are not typical or what we expected, what we longed for, what we told ourselves we would have.  they are not, even after much work, what we hoped to achieve.  they might be this way for ever.  truth.
self- you know that somethings are so, so important, and you do these good things- you work to make other people happy- in the small and in the big, giving your smile in hopes of provoking one in return, listening, hugging, spending time, spending money, finding the good while acknowledging the bad- it’s ok to acknowledge that there’s bad and sad and heartbreaking for you too.  it’s ok.  it’s true.  
self- somethings you can change.  somethings you can do.  let’s make a list- lists make you happy.
  1. be consistently nicer to your mother- she has been your rock, your motivation, your line by which your judge yourself and all other women.  just because she loves you and always will, just because she will forgive you for your smart mouth and eye rolling doesn’t mean you have to continue to do things that require her boundless love and forgiveness.  she has been a caretaker for your sweet gram, your ‘child care provider’ which is so much wrapped up into an efficient ball we couldn’t list it all if we tried for years, a faithful wife, an amazing mother, a continuously loving grandmother to ALL of her grandbabies.  she has shown you how to spend your time, focusing on the people in her life, teaching you ‘people before things’ over and over and over.  show her, self, you are thankful, show her and your daddy too, how much you love them, how much they mean to you.  
  1. exercise- you know, truly, deep down, down, down, that this one thing can help keep you happier than 50 others combined.  that this helps with #1.  you know that it is not the number on the scale- though you look at it- that will keep you focused and motivated and feeling good about your body.  it’s the exercise.  it’s the sweat.  it’s the pushing past what used to be your max, feeling a muscle where there used to be just softness.  you know that ‘skinny’ will never be a word used to describe you, but that ‘healthy’ and ‘fit’ equal ‘balanced’ and ‘content’.  do it, self.  make it a priority.  do it with your babies, with your friends.  wake up earlier or go to sleep later.  once you start, it will make you feel good enough to grab on and keep going.  go.  do.  
  1. remember what is most important.  your husband.  your babies.  your family.  it is not your job.  it is not the money in the bank.  it is not the new clothes, the shoes, the dresses - you like this, you always will... but it is not your priority.  time spent marks that which matters most.  time.  precious time.  
  1. pray.  self- even after pain and hurt and heartbreak.  even after one. more. thing. that  brings you down to the lowest low, to the bottom of tears, to the sobs that seem to tear your soul in half.  pray.  look at what God has given you.  even if you can’t seem to look high enough to see the salvation, the love, the Son that was given for you- look at the beautiful stars in the inky black sky.  look at the continual waves, the greens and blues of the ocean.  look at the golden sandy silk of the corn drying in the fields. pay attention to the dark of the dirt- brown of so many layers that wrap up and around and give you trees and flowers and bugs and worms.  look at your babies- made in His image.  think about the heart the amazing veins and arteries- embrace the body that was given to you and what it can do- it held your amazing children for 9 months.  it held the baby you lost.  pray in gratitude for what you have.  pray in all earnestness for help to be who you want and need to be.  pray to draw closer.  
  1. remember that you have a thankful heart.  even in the tears and and the blues, self, you could always find the silver lining.  it’s most likely what has compelled you to keep going.  to do.  to be.  to write this.  to remember that there are others who have greater burdens, to work to lighten their load.  to be amazed by the angels- those here on earth who are able to move mountains, those unseen who guide and aide and lift us up in miraculous ways. be thankful, self,  you have so much to be thankful for.  

a thank you, and you and you.

I love to read blogs- if you look to the right you'll see a list of my favorites.  I have a very hard time leaving a comment or reply.... especially for the posts I love the most.  The ones that make me smile.  The ones that make me cry.  The ones that make me so thankful that some one else seems to get what I'm feeling, and that they are able to put into words what I'm unable to write, even on my most eloquent days.  So thank you... thank you for continuing to write- something I've struggled with lately.  Thank you for posting pictures of happy and notes about your world.  thank you for the mundane and the amazing- the miracles and the heart aches.
Cheap Thrills #13- Gray Dress - Gap Outlet, $19.99 clearance + coupon, paper beads seed beads - $20.00, and flower for my hair- $8.99 at Bergners, on sale of course.  You can't see my feet- I'm wearing some cute black embellished sandals that cost $13.99 at Kmart- grand total= $62.97

Here's a little bit of silly for you- I just enjoyed a wonderful weekend with my Vandy girls at Rosemary Beach--- actually Inlet, Rosemary's less chi chi cousin, and I have some serious thoughts about bargains and self and life and love that came from time spent with my girls- but! Notice my sun burnt self- all with the exception of one swipe down my left arm??? Who knows- seriously, I put spf 30 on EVERYTHING... yet my left arm is the only uncrispy part of my entire body :-)  Tam, who used spf 70, and reapplied faithfully every hour or two, looks her gorgeous pale self. I'd love to tell you that it's faded evenly, but that would be false- I have an equally interesting rectangle across my throat and chest- maybe from where I held my book up to read on the beach??  oh well- it was amazing, and I loved it, and was so thankful to spend time with women who all have such trials and joys and lives filled ups and downs- I didn't have to explain every little bit- they know all my ugly, my heart aches, my happy.  thank you girls, thank you, thank you, thank you. xoxoxoxo 

Thursday, April 12, 2012

might as well

as all italian/polish/irish/english/german/american indian women know- I'll most likely have a mustache when I'm older.

Funny, as my arms are pretty much hairless, that my upper lip has decided to sprout these tiny hairs that seem to turn darker by the day.

I promise not to let it go until I'm at least 80... but after that, I'm done.... I might even use a little vaseline to keep it nice and shiny and make sure all the hairs are in place....

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

little bits of happy

happiness is finding lip balm you thought you'd lost- right pocket, pleather jacket, Burt's Bees original- thank you cold front!  

happiness is pig tails, looking for eggs with her daddy.  She had picked up Abe's basket as his was already full of eggs- smart cookie.

happiness is holding on to the ones you love... belonging to each other.  

happiness is words that remind you what you are working towards. 

what makes you happy? remember (self) that happiness is not ˆjustˆ the big things- what little thing about today made you happy? what will you do today to be happy tomorrow?