a letter to self

self- writing this to you.  writing this to help you get over this bump, out of this hole that you fell in,  away from this cycle that almost caught you up again.  writing this to remind you that you are strong, that you are full, that you are more than fear and tears.  reminding you that it is good to be real- that ‘fake it til you make it’ is all good and well and sometimes very, very necessary, but at times it’s better to be rough around the edges and less than pulled together- at times it’s ok to let others know that you are struggling and to accept the love, the shoulders and hugs and hand holding that you need to move forward.  

self- somethings you can’t change.  you know it.  you’ve known if for years- even before the fragile x, the diagnosis, possibly even before babies, before marriage, before maturity.  somethings simply are.  they are hard.  they are bumpy and lumpy and jagged.  they are not typical or what we expected, what we longed for, what we told ourselves we would have.  they are not, even after much work, what we hoped to achieve.  they might be this way for ever.  truth.

self- you know that somethings are so, so important, and you do these good things- you work to make other people happy- in the small and in the big, giving your smile in hopes of provoking one in return, listening, hugging, spending time, spending money, finding the good while acknowledging the bad- it’s ok to acknowledge that there’s bad and sad and heartbreaking for you too.  it’s ok.  it’s true.  

self- somethings you can change.  somethings you can do.  let’s make a list- lists make you happy.

1. be consistently nicer to your mother- she has been your rock, your motivation, your line by which your judge yourself and all other women.  just because she loves you and always will, just because she will forgive you for your smart mouth and eye rolling doesn’t mean you have to continue to do things that require her boundless love and forgiveness.  she has been a caretaker for your sweet gram, your ‘child care provider’ which is so much wrapped up into an efficient ball we couldn’t list it all if we tried for years, a faithful wife, an amazing mother, a continuously loving grandmother to ALL of her grandbabies.  she has shown you how to spend your time, focusing on the people in her life, teaching you ‘people before things’ over and over and over.  show her, self, you are thankful, show her and your daddy too, how much you love them, how much they mean to you.  

1. exercise- you know, truly, deep down, down, down, that this one thing can help keep you happier than 50 others combined.  that this helps with #1.  you know that it is not the number on the scale- though you look at it- that will keep you focused and motivated and feeling good about your body.  it’s the exercise.  it’s the sweat.  it’s the pushing past what used to be your max, feeling a muscle where there used to be just softness.  you know that ‘skinny’ will never be a word used to describe you, but that ‘healthy’ and ‘fit’ equal ‘balanced’ and ‘content’.  do it, self.  make it a priority.  do it with your babies, with your friends.  wake up earlier or go to sleep later.  once you start, it will make you feel good enough to grab on and keep going.  go.  do.  

1. remember what is most important.  your husband.  your babies.  your family.  it is not your job.  it is not the money in the bank.  it is not the new clothes, the shoes, the dresses - you like this, you always will... but it is not your priority.  time spent marks that which matters most.  time.  precious time.  

1. pray.  self- even after pain and hurt and heartbreak.  even after one. more. thing. that  brings you down to the lowest low, to the bottom of tears, to the sobs that seem to tear your soul in half.  pray.  look at what God has given you.  even if you can’t seem to look high enough to see the salvation, the love, the Son that was given for you- look at the beautiful stars in the inky black sky.  look at the continual waves, the greens and blues of the ocean.  look at the golden sandy silk of the corn drying in the fields. pay attention to the dark of the dirt- brown of so many layers that wrap up and around and give you trees and flowers and bugs and worms.  look at your babies- made in His image.  think about the heart the amazing veins and arteries- embrace the body that was given to you and what it can do- it held your amazing children for 9 months.  it held the baby you lost.  pray in gratitude for what you have.  pray in all earnestness for help to be who you want and need to be.  pray to draw closer.  

1. remember that you have a thankful heart.  even in the tears and and the blues, self, you could always find the silver lining.  it’s most likely what has compelled you to keep going.  to do.  to be.  to write this.  to remember that there are others who have greater burdens, to work to lighten their load.  to be amazed by the angels- those here on earth who are able to move mountains, those unseen who guide and aide and lift us up in miraculous ways. be thankful, self,  you have so much to be thankful for.